How?

You made me want to care for you, then suddenly it's like you're gone. You make me feel so lonely. I was caught unaware and now I'm feeling sad, all alone at 3am.

It's scary here.

People like those who are held together. So whole with themselves, not damaged. Nobody wants a person who's broken, spoilt goods. But I can't piece myself together. I'm a defect.

-

The daughter that doesn't speak, the father that doesn't know what to do. She's tearing apart on the inside. Too many voices running through her head. She lost her own, maybe never had. Which is hers she doesn't know.

I wish I could stop.

I will hurt you and you have to prove that you can take it. I will hurt someone before they get the chance to hurt me. And if they stay and accept the pain I inflict upon them, they'll get my trust. Because I'm that kind of fucked up.

Fool me once, twice's a mistake. Third's a never again.

Why didn't I recognize it? History does repeats itself. And it always ends up the same doesn't it? You with everything and I, nothing. Let's just hope the heavens have something else planned for me. One door closes, another window open all that shit. Because right now I'm shut in a cell with no outlets. 

Shut out

It's rainy days like this that remind me of those times I spent with someone in the bed of another, listening to the slight rain and watching the sunlight clear up the grey skies. Bundled up in blankets, curled up next to a person. I'm over him but it's the memories of having someone that stays.

No more saving grace

Those scars, they stay to remind you that you have to try so much harder to be better.

You push everyone away because you can't deal, because you don't want to land yourself in sticky situations. Because it's so much easier to be alone away from those problems. Eventually you'll be left behind, because no one bothers enough to stay with you or move you along. But why complain? That's what you wanted wasn't it? You want to feel the pain, the hurt of being forsaken. So that if things don't turn out the way you want it it's others' fault, but not really. You started it. But then the argument is that how you end up alone was a decision you made, a choice. Then you aren't at fault again. Oh but you're in anguish just the way you're used to. Because being at the bottom of the world, you get to feel the high at times and the crash is so much gentler. So there you stay, like in the past, for now and maybe forever.

Hurt - Johnny Cash

Asphalt to me has never looked so soft

I knew about the blade behind my back but I hadn't expected a bullet to my brain.

Not good for anyone

I think I was meant to be alone. You know like how certain screws have a specific thread that fit into a hole, or how some colors just fit into a picture? I'm like that one screw with a messed up thread, that one color nobody uses. I feel like that one piece of clothing that can't be incorporated into any outfit.

I pretend that I don't care but I don't think I'm happy.

Just feelings.

Why do I feel so lonely? When does it ever ends?

Fly, fly away.

Trying to die because I like the process. When you feel yourself losing it, it's like a reminder of you still being alive and really able to die. It gets me so fucking high every time. 

It's getting lonely here, for me.

One day, I'll be gone.

Life, now.

I am so bloody tired all the bloody time. Like a bear that can't hibernate in winter tired. Everyday school, then weekends work and I have no time to finish my projects. Take today for example, I worked from 11am to 8pm, go dinner at eunos until 9+ then reached home at 10+ then I sit around soaking my poor aching feet while trying to relax and fuck it's 1145pm. Time, where the fuck you fly to? So now I am going to finish writing this post, bathe and sleep. Which means that bedtime would probably be 1am. And I have to get up at 830 latest. Fuckkkk.

And once I finish working tmr, I have to rush home to finish the bloody ILR project which is due at like 10 freaking am. Meaning, that I'll have no time to sleep and go straight to school until 4 then rush home to sleep all the way until 9am tutorial on Tuesday. But wait, I have to start on my ROM project so that I can consult the tutor on Tuesday. Then I have to rush out AM project the whole of next week. And maybe FEM and ROM. What. The. Fuck. Is. This. Shit. 

I'm only 18, I should be having the time of my life. But pay day is coming! YAYYYYY!

Well, I'd be for like a day or so. My dad complain my bank empty, meaning I have to put in $500 to shut him up = I'm left with $200. Then I have to buy concession and toiletries = $100 left. Then my drinks and ciggies = $0. Yay. Life is awesome. Then I have to work my ass off until the 15th to get another $250. I need more time, and another job.

And then there's this thing about going to Maldives. Okay, first, yay Maldives. But then, the people I'm going with is like. And the Reason? I can't even don't go. And I'm pretty sure I can't bring anyone along because of the Reason. And it's going to be a 8-9 days trip. Sighpie.

This is totally what I want and need right now. Okay, nights.

So what now?

Sometimes I wished I lived alone. This way I'd never have to come back or wake up to an empty house, feeling so very alone in this world. Then I realized, I probably wouldn't be able to take care of myself. But I really don't like feeling lonely when I'm among others.

What

Do I look so strong, like I don't need someone to care for me? Do I appear to be perfectly fine on my own, like I don't need somebody in my life? Does it seem like I don't have feelings, like I'm numb to things happening around me? Do I give people the impression that I float through life alright, like I don't need something better to happen? Questions, questions. Not a single answer.

Shoo karma

I started meditating and reflecting because of one traumatizing experience and I found that I really enjoyed it. Don't know whether correct anot la but it makes me feel better so means got use right? HAHA. And I'm too tensed up and agitated nowadays and meditation is supposed to calm me and all that good stuff. Plus I hope it will chase away bad karma as it seems to be haunting me ever since one year ago D: So I will religiously meditate everyday for a month and see what are the results like. Hopefully I have the perseverance HAHA.

And hor, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel high after meditating, but I really do sia. It may be my new addiction HAHA. Maybe even replace cigarettes HAHAHA! Probably not. But still pretty awesome heh.

So currently, I'm very into this whole zen mode thing. I think it makes me happy. Hopefully one day I can balance a feather on my head without it floating away. Like the inner energy outer calm thing. #sohipster hahahaha

Oh and I'm trying to do more stretching too. Cause after my back operation right, my doctor made me believed that I can never be flexible or stretch much but then I went to try right, after like 10mins? I could stretch way more then he say lor so I deduce that he lied to me. Pfft. So I'm going to keep stretching everyday and hopefully in the future I can go back to my old sleeping position. Which is like you put your feet together in a stretching position then lie totally flat forwards with your head resting on your feet. Of course with a pillow inbetween my feet and face la but not that my feet are dirty. HAHA I wash it everyday one okay! 

And also right, my theory is that when you add meditation and stretching together, you get this whole know your mind & body, love yourself more shit. So it's all good! On the way to more self love hehe ❤.

My take on relationships

Okay, so I was showering like 20mins ago and I had a eureka moment. I had a sudden realization of my view on relationships. It's like not very significant la cause it's supposed to be subconscious right? But I have always been very unsure of what relationships should be like so it's like a pretty big deal to me okay! HAHA

For me, I feel that the first six months after getting together, a couple should continue trying to 'impress' and get the other person's attention. So that after that 6 months, when the honeymoon period starts to fade off, the couple will have strong feelings for each other. Such as feeling their absence, appreciating their presence and not be tempted by any forms of flirting by other people. BUT the first six months of flirting right, should not include the time you try to chase one another. It should only start counting after you get together. In this time and day where people fuck before knowing names, seems hard eh.

My ideal relationship is not one where you can't live without each other but when you are together, everything just seem so much better. One here you share every detail of your day with, all your deepest secrets and fears. It should be a very comforting friendship plus romance like friends and lovers all in one. I want a person that I can talk to all day long and never get bored but instead miss him like crazy when he isn't around. I want someone that I can just wear a huge t-shirt, bun my hair and be makeup-less around and just laze around the house the whole day. Someone to cook with, kiss at all the odd hours of the day. I wish for a relationship that is caring, emotionally stable and intense all at the same time. Like greedy eh?

Okay, I am feeling dehydrated from taking that super hot shower. Going to make myself a cup of greentea and go to bed. My sleeping hours are fucked. Haha goodnight!

08th's

When you close your eyes and open your heart, you'll feel. The best opportunities may be just around the corner.

I'd normally just text for a little bit when a guy starts talking to me, wanting to be nothing more than friends. And when this boy started texting me, I told myself to just take everything he says with a pinch of salt. Don't want to expect.

But I didn't know that I'd grow to like him so much. Truthfully, I'm a little scared. I don't know what the future holds. All I can say is that he's the perfect combination of everything. He makes me really happy. Understands me, talks to me like a bestfriend. Kisses me like a lover, protects me like a sibling. I can tell him my fears and he always tries his best to put me at ease. He made me feel like I can really trust him.

God was good to me, to let us cross paths. I hope I can be good enough for him.
ACWS I'll love you to the heavens and back. ❤

I'm a very lucky girl.

Year 1 of poly has been really good. It has given me 5 lovely girls with many awesomely crazy times, birthday celebrations, shopping trips and h2h talks. Majorly love them <3

Now I fucking scared of year 2. I don't want to change class and deal with all that shit all over again. Cross fingers, hope everything turns out well. For now, ENJOY ALL THE HOLIDAYS! WORK AND EARN ALL THE MONEY! HAHA.

                                                                                                                                                                         
But I think my love life a bit no luck HAHA. Just so you know, I'm waiting for you to let go of your past relationship and open up to me. We seemed to had something going during december, I don't know if it's gone or we've just reached th next stage. Let me know?

Voracious

Hungry for love
Hungry for sex
Many of us are starving fools out there.